St. Olaf Stories

Real life stories by Rose Nylund

Happy Birthday to Me!

Oh, my birthday! I completely forgot! Well! I’d better make a wish and blow out those candles before Mr. Hickenlooper has the entire volunteer fire brigade up here pumping water on my clean kitchen floor. I swear, that man will look for any excuse to make that siren sound through his nose. Inga Lundqvist told me just this last week…

I know. Shut up, Rose, and blow out your candles.

Baked

Gee, I love to bake. Back in St. Olaf, I always baked all our birthday cakes. Charlie loved ‘em.

1900 Hours

Check. At 1800 hours, we enter the suspects’ domicile. At 1830 hours, we sit down to dinner. After wine is poured, at approximately 1840 hours, I begin telling the story about Uncle Hertis and the three skunks and the fountain, which should last about… 

Citizen’s Duty

Now if we can do anything to assist the police, I think we should. Their job is hard enough as it is. I should know. My father was a policeman. Saturday and Sunday, he and the other farmers became volunteer policemen. Of course, the only crime in St. Olaf was that more people didn’t practice better oral hygiene. So most of the time they just sat around jailhouse and took pictures of each other behind the bars in goofy poses. 

Neighborly Welcome

Oh, I just love to welcome people to the neighborhood. In fact, back home, I used to run our town’s volkomm wagon. Oh, boy, was that fun! Whenever a new family would move in to St. Olaf, we’d all hop on the tractor and ride out to the neighbors’ farm. 30 or 40 of us carrying vats of smoked fish and big pitchers of freshly-squeezed potato juice. While cousin Dat played “Getting To Know You” through the hole in his windpipe.  

Marital Sex

Oh, we never stayed up all night. Just seven till midnight every night. And five to seven every morning. And, of course, till noon on Sundays. 

Sex Talk

Well, it’s been my experience that people who talk about it a lot don’t do it very often. 

Dry Spell

I remember how I felt when I thought Charlie was cheating on me. Oh, we’d been married for 18 years and up until then, everything had seemed so perfect. Then one night it happened. He came home, had dinner, walked upstairs, and went to sleep. I went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. We didn’t, well…you know… It’s just that that was the first time it had ever happened in 18 years of married life. Always, right after dinner. 

Of course, as it turned out, I was just overreacting. I mean, it was a freak, one-time thing. By the next morning, everything was back to normal. Yup, every morning. Charlie said that’s why we didn’t have headaches and why we both had really shiny hair. 

Cheap As Can Be

Oh, Charlie was a wonderful man but he could squeeze a nickel till the buffalo pooped.